I Used to Look Up To You....

I always looked up to you and I knew I wanted to be just like you. Too bad I was a girl but I wanted to be just like you in every other way. I remember how I used to follow you around. Everyone called me "Little-you" I did everything with you... I wanted to be the little brother you never had.

I climbed trees with you . You taught me how to climb the roof from the guava tree. That was always a fun place to hide. I got stung my bees but the pain was worth it. You taught me how to play chess and scrabble. We used to play 'whats up' all the time. I 'fixed' the tv with you. I played table soccer with you

I remember us watching Altanta 96 together , we stayed up late just the two of us. You were so tense I thought you would faint or pass out on me. You turnd the volume of the tv down and listened to the commentator on the radio instead.I started to do that too! I remember us celebrating when Kanu scored those 2 goals against Brazil. It was B-A-N-A-N-A-S! You were funny... You always got along with people well... you still do.People love you

Things kind of started to change but I mad excuses for you. Maybe you were too busy with school...maybe the phone lines got messed up...I guess you were too busy to respond to my emails too. I remember when you came home in Dec 2001..You dont even know how happy I was to see you. But then you seemed distant....You werent particularly nice to me, your fav lil sis!

You brought up something you always did while we were growing up. In the end, like you always did all those years ago,You indirectly indicated that I was the ugly duckling. I know it seems so trivial but it hurt like hell and even worse,
I ACCEPTED that I was the ugly duckling. For years, I believed it. So much for my self esteem.I always knew I was smart.So I tried to make up for not being beautiful
It worked....you always acknowledged my brains!

While you were home.
I was smiling a lot
And then you told me
"Dont smile you have bad teeth"
And for the 4 years that followed
I hardly smiled
Not in pictures, not at people
I smiled with my mouth closed

I remember when Sade and I came to the US in 2002
We were excited
You were going to meet us in New York
We arrived waiting a big hug from big bro
But you werent there

It was our first time anywhere without mom or dad
And you werent there
You told them you would meet us here
But you werent there
We sat there at JFK for 9 long hours...
Hungry, and tired!

Years have passed
And yes, I smile
And I know I am beeeeuuuriifulll
But things still arent right

You only really call when you need something or on holidays (you called the day before thanksgiving)You claim to be busy, I am busy too but thats not an excuse
In the almost 5 years that Sade and I have been here, you never invited us to visit you...and you've never visited either of us. For the past 6 months you have been only 5 hours away from me. Still, we havent met up once.

Brother of mine, Whats going on?


*I was talking about this with my sisters recently and thats what motivated me to write this. One my sisters talked to my brother about this and I guess the 'healing' is about to begin...It is well.*